


wondering what the other is thinking

by ace8013



Series: little ants are marching [5]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Marching Band, Angst, Bad Parenting, Character Death, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jack is dead, M/M, Road Trips, Unbetaed we die like men, sammy and lily work through their shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:47:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26706964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ace8013/pseuds/ace8013
Summary: Where are we going, then, Stevens?”“California.”She looks at Sammy like he’s crazy. “It’s a seven hour drive, are you nuts?”“Maybe. There’s stuff we need to do.” He doesn’t take his eyes off the road but his voice has started to shake a little.Lily’s quiet for a moment, and then whispers, “Are we going to see Jack?”Sammy nods.orsammy and lily skip school, work through their shit, and share some grief
Relationships: Ben Arnold & Sammy Stevens, Jack Wright & Lily Wright, Sammy Stevens & Lily Wright, Sammy Stevens/Jack Wright
Series: little ants are marching [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1919404
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	wondering what the other is thinking

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyyyyy im back uhhh. so. this is set abou 2 weeks after the last series part, sammy's back at school and he and lily have. conversations. thr tenses are all fucked up so ignore
> 
> trigger and content warnings -
> 
> death, discussion of death, discussion of suicide and suicide attempts, homophobia, bad parenting

“Hey.”

Sammy looks up from his phone to see Lily Wright standing over him. She’s got her arms crossed across her chest but looks worried. “Hi,” he replies quietly. “Can I help you?”

They haven’t spoken since their fight. To be honest, Sammy's been avoiding her.

Lily sighs. “Look, I don’t know about you, but I  _ really  _ don’t want to be home tomorrow. And I don’t want to be here.” She’s crouched down next to him now, and is practically whispering. “So, I don’t know- could- could I come over, or something?”

Sammy watches her quietly for a moment. Then he says, “Yeah, okay. I’ll pick you up.”

She looks surprised. “Oh, wow. You agreed to that quickly.”

Sammy shrugged. “‘S gonna be early, though. I don’t want my parents to catch on that I’m skipping. We can get coffee or something.”

She nods. “That’s fine. Uh, thank you, I guess.” She stands and brushes off her legs. “See you then,” Lily said before heading back to where the guard was sitting on their break.

“What was that about?” Ben asks, sliding into Sammy’s side.

“Nothing,” he mutters. “I can’t drive you and Emily to school tomorrow.”

“Oh,” Ben looks surprised. “Okay. Everything alright?”

“Yeah.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Lily and I are uh, skipping tomorrow. There’s a lot we need to talk about.”

“Oh. Well, if you need anything, you guys- you can text me, okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Thanks, Ben.”

Ben leaned his head onto Sammy’s shoulder. “Anytime, brother.”

-

Lily opens Sammy’s passenger side door and throws her bag in before climbing into the seat. “Hey,”

“Hi,” Sammy replies, turning the volume dial down on the radio. “You can throw your bag in the back.”

“Jesus, got enough shit back here?” She snarks as she turns to put her bag behind her seat.

Sammy doesn’t respond. A few minutes later, after he’s driven past 3 different coffee places, he starts, “We aren’t getting coffee.”

“Oh. Where are we going, then, Stevens?”

“California.”

She looks at Sammy like he’s crazy. “It’s a seven hour drive, are you nuts?”

“Maybe. There’s stuff we need to do.” He doesn’t take his eyes off the road but his voice has started to shake a little.

Lily’s quiet for a moment, and then whispers, “Are we going to see Jack?”

Sammy nods. Lily turns and looks out the window, as Sammy gets on the highway. “Okay.”

-

“I’ve never been.” Sammy says after about an hour of listening to music.

Lily turns to look at him and turns the volume down. “What?”

“I’ve never been.” Sammy repeats.

“To- to see Jack?” Lily stammers.

Sammy nods jerkily.

“Never? I mean, I know you weren’t at the- at the funeral, but,”

“Never. I- I uh, that wasn’t my choice by the way. I would’ve been there, Lily.” Sammy whispers.

“I know- I- I didn’t  _ always  _ know that, but I know. Now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“Surprised you didn’t want to be with your parents today.”

Lily snorted. “You kidding?”

Sammy gives her a questioning glance.

“That would’ve been awful. I- It’s been awful. For two years.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I was always the, uh,  _ problem child _ . Y’know?”

“Don’t I know it,” Sammy snorts.

Lily punches him in the shoulder. “Ass. No, but really. He was always the golden child, and now,” She sucks in a breath. “I’m the only one left.”

“Mm.” He nods. “Well, cheers to shitty parents, huh?”

“Ha! Yeah. I’m sure you’re glad to be back at school.”

“Yeah. And no, but yeah.”

“Ben’s glad you’re back. Me too.”

“Thanks, Lils.”

They’re both quiet for a minute.

“They wanted to pull me out of marching band.” Sammy says.

Lily gives him a surprised look. “Why?”

“Kids talk. Their parents talk more. Somehow word got around about my ‘big gay crush on your little brother.’”

“Oh god. I’m  _ so _ sorry, Sammy.”

“They asked, and- and I was tired of lying, Lils. I’m  _ so tired _ of lying.”

“You’re allowed to be tired.”

Sammy lets go of the steering wheel with one hand to wipe at his eyes.

“But, they aren’t pulling you, right?”

He shakes his head. “I’m almost an adult. Plus, I may have threatened them a little.”

“With?”

He laughs sharp and sarcastic. “What do you think?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Said I wouldn’t mess up next time.”

“Is there gonna be a next time?” She asks quietly.

“I-” he stops. “I don’t think so. It was a bad decision. I don’t- I don’t want to do that to Ben. Again.”

“That’s good. That kid cares about you.”

“I care about him.”

Lily remembered something, and laughs. “I was  _ so  _ angry, when I first came to town. I hated you, and I  _ hated  _ Ben.”

“Why?” Sammy laughs.

“Because! You guys were so  _ close  _ and you obviously cared about him, and he cared about you, and I thought you guys were-  _ you know. _ ” She explains.

Sammy starts retching. “Oh, god! I think I’m gonna be  _ sick _ . That’s  _ disgusting _ , Wright.”

Lily starts laughing. “I’m sorry! It was an honest mistake!”

“It  _ was not. _ ” Sammy says, a sour look still on his face, like he’d tasted something bad.

“I was angry, because I thought you’d, I don’t know. Forgotten?”

Sammy inhales, sharp. “Never.”

Lily nods and they’re quiet for a second. 

“I actually didn’t know, that you knew, back then. I thought maybe, but,” Sammy shrugs.

“I wasn’t sure. I had my suspicions, though.”

“We were gonna tell you.”

“I know.”

“We just- we-”

“It’s okay.” She puts a hand on his shoulder.

“We thought we had time.” He croaks, barely audible.

“We did have time, we were supposed to have- it- it came out of  _ nowhere _ , Sammy.” And they’re both crying now.

“I miss him so  _ fucking  _ much,” He takes his hand off the wheel and takes hers. 

She squeezes his hand. “Me too,” Lily whispers.

After a moment, Sammy sniffs and pulls his hand from hers. He wipes at his eyes, and reaches under his shirt. He pulls the chain necklace he’s always wearing over his head and presses it into Lily’s palm.

Her hand closes around the pendant, but when she looks, it isn’t a pendant, it’s a plain ring, strung onto a chain. She chokes on the breath in her lungs.

“He- he gave me that,” Sammy whispers. “Before.”

Lily can barely breathe, much less reply. It takes her a moment before she manages to choke out, “Oh my god, Sammy. I- I don’t know what to-”

“It’s okay,” He says, rubbing at his eyes.

Lily sniffed, and wiped at her nose. “Can I ask you-”

“Sure,” He says softly, eyes not leaving the road.

“When did you guys start- when did you-” She stammers, and for one of the first times in her life Lily Wright was at a loss for the right words.

Sammy understood what she was trying to ask, though. “He told me he w- was in love with me the same day he told me about the- you know?” His voice cracks.

Lily nods.

Sammy laughs quietly through his tears. “He- he said that I wasn’t uh, I wasn’t ‘supposed to feel the same way,’ which was such a Jack thing to do, wasn’t it? Confess his f-fucking love to me and tell me I’m not allowed to feel the same way about h-him.”

“Oh my god. That is  _ such  _ a Jack Wright thing. He’s insane.” Lily laughs.

“Yeah,” Sammy smiles softly.

“I knew how he felt about you. He told me like, a million years ago.” She gestures with her hands as she speaks.

“Really?” Sammy glances at her.

“Yeah. In middle school, I think.” She giggles. “You guys were _so_ _stupid_.”

“We were, weren’t we?”

“I don’t think I suspected about you guys being  _ together  _ though, until, uh, until homecoming.”

Sammy nods. “Thought I was being subtle.”

“No _fucking_ way, Stevens. You’ve never been subtle in your _life._ _Never,_ gay-ass _._ ” She laughs.

“That was two years ago, yesterday.” Sammy says quietly.

“I know,” Lily replies, picking at her nails.

“I told him I’d see him tomorrow, before I went home.” He whispers.

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“Don’t do that to yourself, Sammy.”

“If I could go back, I’d- I don’t know. I’d have stayed?”

“You can’t, though.” Lily whispers back.

“Yeah, I can’t.”

They’re quiet for a minute. “I’m glad you weren’t there.”

“What?”

“I’m glad you weren’t there when he died. It-” She took in a shaky breath. “It was scary, Sammy.” And when Lily blinks, tears leak out of the corners of her eyes.

“We don’t have to talk about it, Lily.”

“Okay,” She chokes back a sob, and Sammy reaches over to squeeze her shoulder. “If you need to take a break, I can drive for a little while.” She offers, clearing her throat.

“Okay. Maybe soon,” Sammy mutters.

And they’re quiet again.

-

When Sammy wakes up, his face is pressed against the passenger side window. He groans and pushes himself up in the seat to stretch out his back.

“Morning, Shotgun.” Lily says, as she turns out of the highway exit.

“God,” He groans. “W’time is it?”

“It is 1:47. School’s almost over.”

“Shit. Your parents don’t track your phone, do they?” Sammy asks, panicked.

“No.” Lily gives him a confused look. “Why?”

“When we don’t come home after ‘school’ they’re gonna be wondering where you are. I shut my phone off.”

“Hm. Good idea.” Lily nods, as she pulls into a grocery store parking lot.

“What are we doing?” Sammy starts to pull his sneakers back on. 

Lily pulls the keys out of the ignition and gestures towards the store. “Figured we could get some flowers, or something.”

“Yeah. That’s a good idea.”

“You wanna stay here, or-” Lily unbuckles her seatbelt.

“I’ll come in.” 

-

“These are nice.” Lily picks at the flower arrangement.

They’ve switched seats again and Sammy glances away from the road for a moment to look her way.

“Yeah.”

“Think he’d like them?” Lily asks quietly as Sammy pulls into a parking space at the cemetery.

Sammy shifts the car into park and looks down at the flowers again. “Yeah. Yeah, I think he would.”

Lily makes a humming noise.

“Come on. Let’s go see Jack.” Sammy says as he opens his door.

“Okay.”

They start off down the gravel path through the cemetery, Lily trailing behind Sammy. He stops and waits for her to catch up. “Don’t really know where I’m going.” He shrugs.

They walk quietly, in stride with each other for a moment.

“I’m surprised your parents aren’t here today.” Sammy remarks.

Lily shakes her head. “They don’t like coming today. No, uh- we, uh, we come on m- our birthday. His birthday.”

Sammy stops dead in his tracks. “Jesus fucking christ, Lily.”

She stops and looks back at him.

“They make you come here on your  _ fucking birthday? _ ” His eyes are wide in horror. “That’s fucking awful.”

She shrugs and keeps walking. “It’s whatever. Hey, at least I’ve  _ never celebrated a birthday without Jack,  _ huh?” Lily’s voice drips with sarcasm.

“Lily.”

She stops walking and Sammy almost walks into her. “Well, uh. Here we are.” She says flatly.

Sammy looks to the right of the path, and a few rows of plots in from the walking path he can see the headstone they’d been looking for.

Lily begins to cut across the grass and stops in front of the headstone. When Sammy comes up behind her, he’s close enough now that he can read the print on the stone.

_ Jack Wright _

_ 2000-2015 _

Lily sits on the grass in front of the headstone and gestures for Sammy to do the same. He lowers himself to the ground beside Lily.

Lily props the flowers up against the edge of the headstone. “You good if I talk a little?” She asks.

Sammy nods.

“Hi, Jack.” Lily whispers, picking at the grass by her feet. “I know I’m, uh, not usually here, today, but. This was Sammy’s idea. I- I miss you. We miss you, Jack.” Lily wipes at her eyes. Sammy puts his arm around Lily’s shoulders and pulls her into his side. She sniffs. “I spent the whole drive here thinking about what I was gonna say, but- I’m blanking, Jack.”

Lily’s quiet for a moment. “I can't believe it's been two years.” She whispers.

Sammy hums in agreement. “I miss him every day,” he murmurs.

“Tell him that then,” She gestures at the grave. “This therapist Mom makes us see sometimes, she says it's  _ healthy  _ to  _ talk it out. _ ” Lily mocks.

“I miss you,” Sammy whispers breathlessly after a moment of silence. “Every fucking day, I wake up and my first thought is about you. Every night when I go to bed. I can’t- I just can't believe I've lived two years without you.” Tears stream down his face silently. Sammy’s hand closes around the ring that was back to hanging around his neck. “I miss you so fucking much, Jack. I know I promised, but I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life. Hell, I'm probably going to love you for the rest of my life.”

Lily reaches up and squeezes the hand that’s resting on her shoulder.

“I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife, heaven, or whatever, but- I do know-” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “I know that if I had- if- if I was there with you right now, god, you’d be  _ so pissed,  _ you’d kill me all over again.” He laughs quietly. “I’m sorry, Jack. I’m sorry for everything.”

“I was mad at Sammy, for a really long time.” Lily says out of nowhere. “Hell, I’m still pretty mad at him. But we can- we can try and be better, I think. I think you’d want us to.”

Sammy just watches her. Then he nods. “Yeah,” He whispers, sort of hugging Lily from the side. “We can try.” He pauses. “I know we promised we couldn’t tell anyone,” Sammy says, and Lily’s confused until she realizes he’s not talking to her. “But the cat’s kinda outta the bag on that one. Lily’s got a big mouth. So I think- I think I’m gonna try to start telling people about you. What you mean to me. Y’know?”

“Sorry,” She mouths.

“It’s okay. I don’t think Jack minds much, either.” He whispers back. “I’ve spent a long time living a lie. I think it’s time for me to just start living.”

-

Halfway back to King Falls, at about 8pm, they end up getting off the highway to pull into a convenience store parking lot after Sammy starts falling asleep behind the wheel. He mutters an apology after Lily gets back to the car with a couple of energy drinks in hand.

He ends up dropping her off at home at about midnight. “Text me when you get home.” Lily says in place of a goodbye when she gets out of the car.

“Yeah, okay.” He answers, pulling his phone out of his pocket. As Lily makes her way into the house, Sammy fires off a few texts to Ben.

_ hey _

_ can i come over? it’s ok if no _

Ben’s reply is almost immediate.

**ben:** yes

**ben:** ill unlock the door just come in

**ben:** everything ok?

Sammy replies with a  _ yes,  _ and shoves his phone into his back pocket and shifts the car into drive.

-

Lily’s parents are awake and in the kitchen when she locks the front door behind her. Not a good sign.

“Where have you been?” Her mother snaps.

Lily sneaks a look at the clock on the microwave as she opens the fridge. The neon green letters read  _ 12:47. _ She shrugs. “My curfew is at one.” She says, pulling a cheese stick from the packaging.

“Where have you been all day? The school called when you didn’t show up this morning.” Her father says, cold and flat.

Lily curses under her breath. “I was out.”

“Where? With who? You didn’t take your car,”

“None of your business. I was out with Sammy.”

“Sammy?” Her father asks, tone a mix of anger and disbelief. “Sammy Stevens?”

Lily nods, chewing.

“Wh- I don’t even- I don’t even know what to say to that, Lily!” He stammers.

She shrugs. “We just went for a drive,”

“What? Is he your boyfriend now?” Lily tries not to gag audibly. “He’s a nice boy, Lily, you know I’ve always thought that, but he’s trouble these days.” Her mother continues.

Lily frowns. “Says who?”

“That doesn’t matter- I asked you a question, young lady.”

“I’m a lesbian.” Lily says in a monotone voice. “I’m a lesbian, and Sammy’s gay, and we drove down to Cali to see Jack.”

They’re quiet for a minute, completely speechless.

“No you aren’t.” Her father whispers. Her mother lets her head fall into her hands.

“I am. And guess what! Jack was gay too! Surprise!”

Her mother lets out a strangled sob.

“Don’t, Lily. You don’t- don’t say nasty things like that about your brother.” 

“It’s true. He told me himself. He and Sammy were-”

“Stop!” Her mother shouts, startling Lily and her father. “Just, stop! Haven’t you ruined enough already?”

Lily just stands there, numb for a moment. Then she left the room slowly, calmly, and when she reached the stairs she broke out into a jog.

She didn’t stop for a while.

-

Sammy gives Betty Arnold a small wave when he slides in through her front door quietly. She’s sitting on the couch, watching something on tv. She smiles at him and points up. Sammy nods and heads upstairs to Ben’s room.

Ben’s sitting at his desk, scribbling on his geometry notes. “Hey,” He says softly when Sammy slinks into the room and flops down face-first on Ben’s bed.

Sammy groans quietly in response.

“How was your day with Lily?” Ben leans over in his chair and pokes Sammy’s side with the butt of his pen.

“Okay.” Sammy says, muffled by Ben’s duvet.

“I’m gonna take that to mean that you, uh,  _ didn’t _ kill each other in cold blood?”

Sammy swats in his direction. He picks up his head and looks at Ben. “Can I sleep here tonight? All my band shit’s in my car for tomorrow.”

“Yeah, man, of course.”

Ben goes back to scribbling at his homework in frustration until Sammy speaks up again.

“We drove down to Cali. To see Jack’s-” He pauses, briefly. “Jack’s grave.”

Ben’s eyes go wide. “ _ Oh. _ ”

Sammy rolls onto his side, facing Ben. “Today was the, uh- well- it’s been two years. Today. Yesterday? It’s past 12 now, isn’t it?”

Ben nods. He thinks for a moment. “That’s a long drive.”

  
  


Sammy nods. “Tired. Was nice to go though. Probably wouldn’t be brave enough to go alone.” He mutters.

“Get some sleep then. I’ve got tons of homework to do.”

“Jack would’ve liked you.”

Ben smiles down at his notes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. You guys would’ve gotten along.” Sammy sniffs quietly. “I wish you could’ve met him.”

“Me too. He sounds like a really awesome guy.”

“I miss him so much, Ben.”

“I know.” Ben swallows the forming lump in his throat.

“I thought I could get away, but then I came here and you were just like him, and then Lily came to town and-”

“It’s okay, Sammy.”

“She makes the same faces he used to make. I thought it was creepy back then,” He laughs. “They were almost identical in every way, and- and I- then she showed up here and-” He trails off and is quiet. “She makes the same face he used to when he was frustrated. His eyebrows would get all scrunched up and he would make this  _ stubborn _ face- god, he was  _ so stubborn. _ ” Sammy smiles. “Just like you. Crazy, stubborn guy who was fueled by spite. If you told him he couldn’t do something, he’d do it, just to show you he could.”

Ben frowns. “I’m not stubborn,”

Sammy laughs. “Don’t worry, he was way taller than you.”

“ _ Fuck offfffff, _ ” Ben drags out the last syllable, laughing.

When their laughter dies down, Ben whispers, “I’m really glad you’re okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Sammy whispered back.

“Don’t be. I get it.”

“There won’t be- it’s not gonna happen again.”

“You don’t have to-” Ben started.

“No, I- I- I don’t want to do that to you again, Ben.”

“Don’t do that. D- don’t  _ live _ for  _ me.  _ Live to just-” He paused and swallowed. “Just live, Sammy. Don’t promise me you’ll live for me. Promise me you’ll just live.”

“Okay,” Sammy breathed out.

After silence, Sammy spoke, barely above a whisper, “I don’t think I can go home, Ben.”

Ben actually turns all the way to face him. “Wh- why not? Did something happen?”

Sammy sits up and hugs his knees to his chest on Ben’s bed. “Some band parents- they- they got word of what happened, with me and Lily. One of the board members, they- they called my mom. They asked me, if- if- if I was-” He pauses. “If I was gay. I said yes.”

“Okay,” Ben says, breathlessly. “That’s okay. You can stay here.”

“Ben I can’t sleep over at your house forever.”

“Yes, you can.”

“Ben-”

“No, you can stay here. I’ll go tell Betty right now,” Ben says firmly as he stood.

“Ben. All my stuff- my parents- I need-” Sammy stammers.

“We’ll get your stuff. Don’t worry about anything. If it isn’t safe for you to be at your parents house, you aren’t going to _ be _ at your parents house, Sammy.” Ben pauses. “Sammy, please. Are you safe there?”

Sammy shakes his head.

“Then please stay here for a little while. Not forever, just as long as you need to.”

“Okay,” Sammy whispers. Ben grabs Sammy’s arm to pull him off the bed, and Sammy humors him and gets up. And Ben hugs him tighter than anyone his size should be able to.

“I love you,” Ben says into Sammy’s shoulder.

Sammy stiffens, but then he says, “I love you, too,” and he feels like this place could be home.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> peace catch me on bird app @THINKFVST
> 
> there might not be another series update for quite a bit, im working on my other series w jules mostly!


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